Did you miss me? I know I’ve been MIA since Thanksgiving. It wasn’t that I needed a break – I just started, what am I taking a break from? I wanted just to take some time and figure out what I wanted to do with my blog and social media channels. But, I’m back, and it’s been six months since I’ve been in remission (!!!!)
The past six months has been nothing short of amazing. I’m honestly glad to be done with daily appointments and infusions. Of course, it comes with its ups and downs (more downs than ups), but it’s a learning process. A process that’s really here to teach me patience, but I’ll get more into that later.
mentally.
I don’t think anything or anyone prepares you for how hard the remission process is mentally. It’s actually one of the hardest parts of this journey. Getting a little personal, I’ve always had anxiety issues since I was a little girl. I have been seeing someone one and off since I was six years old who has taught me how to handle and talk out my issues. This go-around, I was reluctant to talk to someone because I didn’t feel as though anyone could understand what I was going through. However, right after treatment, I was told I have anxiety and depression. The signs were all there – I caught myself not being able to fall asleep because my mind was racing and I kept thinking something terrible was going to happen. Somedays, I couldn’t find the energy to get out of bed or even take a shower, and I found that my confidence was at an all-time low.
I think my main issues, like my therapist says, is that I’m mourning the life that I use to have. Which is true, I miss the life the familiar.
Even though I only underwent treatment for five months, I feel like I missed out on a lot of time and experience and I’m still dealing with the lack of control over my life. As a planner, that was something I could not wrap my head around. But I know that no one truly has control over their life and what gets thrown at them. I miss being able to plan for the future optimistically and then I think about I’m stuck in feeling like I can’t do anything or plan too far ahead without the fear of relapsing. It takes everything out of you knowing that things will never be the same no matter how much you want it to be.
physically.
Physically, I’m feeling pretty great! My hair is growing, and I’ve gained a little bit of weight (insert me talking about how thick I’m getting). I occasionally am fatigued, but that just comes with me pushing my limits. Of course, there are the not-so-good side effects which include neuropathy in both my hands and feet + the inconvenience of my port + the fact that I can’t remember anything, but those things are minor considering the bigger picture.
One of my biggest fears almost came true in December, I found a lump. The thought of going through treatment again had me more annoyed than scared because I was feeling like things were finally coming together. Not wanting to spoil the holidays, I originally made an appointment for after the New Year, but they bumped (or I accidentally made it for that day) my appointment up a few weeks earlier. By the time I saw my breast surgeon, the lump had disappeared, and she ruled it as it probably is a cyst over the rib bone.
going forward.
Patience. Patience. Patience.
To not rush the mental and physical recovery process. I have to keep reminding myself that there’s no rush. I have plenty of time, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Going forward, I hope to be more patient with myself and remind others to be patient with me as well. This journey requires that I step out of my comfort zone and relearn my new body and self.
Positive thinking.
It’s easy to remain cynical about this situation especially when I have my mental health against me sometimes. I hope to eventually get to a place where I can start planning my future again. I’m currently doing little steps, taking it month by month and setting aside small, accomplishable goals. I still have so much to look forward to.
Comments
Post a Comment